Monday, 22 February 2010
Once upon a time..
Every girl has a dream, every girl has a goal and every girl will eventually want to find the love of her life. The handsome prince on the white horse, the guy who can make you smile when you want to hide underneath a rock because you've had enough for a day. The guy who makes you feel beautiful, even though you're a big fat mess.
Too bad; that it seems to be harder with the day to find a true prince; guys have turned into immature assholes who only want one thing, now isn't it?
But what if beneath the asshole and behind the arrogant, but handsome face seems to be a prince?
I've been watching the Princess and the Frog today and I've fallen in love with the movie, it's probably one of the best disney movies I've ever seen. It made me feel awfully fat as Disney seems to create perfect pro-Ana icons; but at the same time while I am writing this a huge smile is written on my face as I can't seem to get rid of it after watching the movie.
Disney always cheers me up; I am just one big kid. Honestly, I am.
Love is not my best subject to write about; how can you write about love whenever you haven't felt true love ever in your life before? If there was nothing but one single fling, who ditched you for someone prettier, thinner. But still; couldn't seem to break your heart?
All my life I have tried to block out emotions, feelings. I have tried to do anything to be numb; but right now, when finally a guy seems to invade my life. Should I cut these strings? Set myself free of the numbness?
Feeling nothing has been easier than feeling anything at all since I was eight years old, am I able to let myself try and fall in love with this guy, simply because I know he's a good guy?
And even if I will fall in love, will I ever be able to tell him why I keep losing weight? Why I can't eat anything?
I am not sure if I will be able to do that; even though I've told my best friend by now. I trust him not to tell anything; not to anyone.
My parents have their suspicions, but they are not sure. They can never be sure; unless he will let something slip. If he does; if he tells someone else; if someone will tell my parents. I will have three options.
A) Kill myself.
B) Kill the person who told on me.
C) Run away and never come back.
Option A sounds like the best option to me, because if I'd run away they'd find me eventually. They would; and they would still put me in a clinic. I really don't want to go there, I don't. I don't want to be in a clinic where everyone is thinner than I am, they'll think I am fat; a monster.
Because I still am, I can't even look in the mirror anymore. But I will be better, I promise. I will have no other choice.Ana will guide me there, she has helped me so far and she will help me to get even better, to be even prettier. She will help me, because I promised her perfection in return. We promised that each other, I will be perfect.
Once upon a time, thin fragile arms wrapped around me when no one elses did, they comforted me. They have comforted me ever since. I believe that she will be strong for me when I can't be strong, she will be there when no one else is.
She will guide me to the guy of my dreams.
Together we will make sure I'll have my happily ever after.