Wednesday, 3 February 2010


My thoughts were spinning in my head, words were flying around and before I knew it there were words written down, beautiful words that made me seem brilliant.

But you can't be brilliant without perfection; and therefor you have to be thin.

First of all; I wanna thank my little group of followers for just following me and at least giving me the idea that you're reading the crap I write every day.

Today has been okay; forgot to weigh myself as I overslept and arrived at school two hours too late. Had to restock my pill supplies but I forgot my applevinegear ones so have to get back to the stores as soon as possible; which possibly will be on Friday.

There have been some things going on which annoy me. First of all, blogging seems like the big new hype at our school as from today. Everywhere people are suddenly telling me how they've decided to start a blog. I am literally terrified of the idea that my friends are out here, blogging. What if they'll find out about my blog?
I've never told them anything, I never had to so why should I? I would simply worry them, they would bother me and force me to eat. They would, I know them.

They would also recognize this blog as mine, they would recognize the way I write, the way I say things; the times I would be busy with writing something but not telling them what. I did tell them I have a blog though, just that I want to keep it to myself.
What will I ever tell them when they'll find out that I am anorexic? That I don't wanna be as fat they are? They will hate me for losing weight, they will judge me and ditch me just like so many of them have done before. They will tell everyone that I don't eat.
I do eat: only what is needed for . I can't help it that we live in a piggish society where gluttony is the norn, and everyone else is constantly stuffing themselves.
Do I have to tell them that I want to do something special with my life? That I want to be able to look in the mirror and think 'perfect'?
Because I can't, I can't even look in the mirror some days, it hurts too much when I see all the fat wobbling around. Every time I look at my stomach, or when I have to weigh myself my heartbeat hammers in my throat, I am terrified for the results.
Right now, I wouldn't even dare looking in a mirror.

I am sorry this blog is full of insecurities and worthless bullshit.
Tomorrow will be better.

I promise.

Much love,



  1. Do you know just how many blogs are out there? As long as there's nothing too personal and obvious, I'm sure you'll be fine.
    Secondly, please don't label this entry as "bullshit". Because what you're writing isn't just a bunch of emotional crap, it's something to relate to. What you wrote today (though it's about one of the "not so good days")helped me feel a little less horrible about myself. 'Cause someone else is thinking the same thing :)

  2. If you feel like they're going to find your blog and recognize it, go back through posts and change a couple of names, or fudge some dates. I'm sure you're paying a whole lot more attention to details than they are. Its not bullshit. I've felt the same things you're feeling before, as have many others. You're not alone. :)

    Misschick is right. There are a bazillion and twelve blogs out there. You can click "next blog" for hours and not come across one you recognize. There's a feature under settings where you can block search engines from finding your blog, if that might make you feel better.