Thursday, 4 February 2010
As a little girl I'd always thought of my mother as someone whom I could trust, someone who would scare away the evil things in the night.
Later on in my life I would understand that no one is to be trusted; and that my mum would be the one giving me nightmares. Nevertheless I've always felt the urge to trust her for some reason. Mothers always seems smarter than anyone else us, but then again, look at the people around us.
It hurts to see my mother try, it hurts to know that I hurt her with not eating. It hurts to know that all she can do is guess; guess I have a problem and not being able to help me. Because no one can.
No one can help me, because people can only help you when you have a problem; I don't have a problem.
Ana is a blessing.
Ana seems to be my one and only true friend lately, she is there for me whenever I need her, she always knows how to make me feel better when I've done things right. But right now I am afraid that there is nothing to make me feel better; I still weigh 43kg, I still haven't been to the shops (literally because I had no time; but who cares about time when there is fat that you should lose?) and I have eaten nearly a full dinner after nearly passing out at work.
Now obviously I can't blame Ana for my weak behavior, but right now I wish I could blame someone because I know I can do better, I know I am able to lose the weight I should lose if I would just try harder. So I will. I will do anything to lose the weight and I will not stop, because I have made a commitment and because I have, I will succeed.
I can not believe how incredibly fat I feel today after stepping down on that scale. I have been thinking of my fat wobbly stomach and nothing else.
It made me cry and stamp my feet like an upset six-year old when she doesn't get what ever the hell she wants.
And as I did that, so many memories invaded my mind why I should do this, why I should work harder and I calmed down. So many memories of people bullying me and people not accepting me whoever the f.ck I am did hurt, and as they hurt I realized that I would do anything for it to stop.
When it did stop, the numbness came and invaded every inch of my body. But everything seemed better than the aching, the aching around my heart as if someone had stabbed thousand wounds in my chest, but none of them seemed to heal completely. Around the edge the pain will never fade away, it will simply throb and be there.
I feel like such a whining loser as I am writing this, I should be proud of the fact that I decided to change my life. I should be proud of the fact that my BMI seems to be 17.7 - I should be proud of already being this thin; but I am not. I still look like a huge fat cow and I want to be perfect; I want to feel okay and for that, I will have to lose more weight.
A girl can dream, but a girl can also fight and reach her goals.