Monday, 1 February 2010
Anything but ordinary.
I am not ordinary, not like any other girl.
Call me arrogant, call me superficial, call me ugly. It's not like I haven't got enough to worry about, just don't call me ordinary.
I am nothing like any other girl from my class, I am not and I will not try and be like that. My life is different, every aspect is different.
My life is all about control.
No, you can't eat lunch. And just one cracker for breakfast would do. Dinner? Try and avoid it, and if you have to, eat as less you can.
When you can't control yourself, when you stuff yourself. Make sure it will leave your body as soon as possible. Punish yourself, suffer. You're not like any other girl, you're special.
To be special, to be perfect, you will suffer. But it's all you want, you want to be anything but ordinary, you want perfection.
Can't believe how dizzy I have been today, skipped breakfast and lunch. Worked my ass off at PE today and went for a run through the snow. As soon as I got home I had to lay down and close my eyes for one hour before I had to study for my German test which is tomorrow. School has always been important to me, but today I could not care less as all I wanted to do was work out and make sure to lose weight.
I am terrified of the numbers I have to see everyday, I am terrified of looking in the mirror. I have to get thinner, I have to be perfect.
I will do anything to be perfect, I once will be perfect it just takes time.
The question is, do I have enough time? Can I handle it? Will I be able to control myself for that long or am I just like any ordinary girl after all?
I will have to prove myself wrong, I will have to prove myself that I can be special if I try. That I can be perfect, just as perfect as I want to be.
Ana knows I can do it, I just have to convince myself right now, because I am not sure if I can be strong through all the many months to come.
I will have to control myself. I want to be anything but ordinary.
One day I will be anything but ordinary, one day, I will be perfect.