Sunday, 31 January 2010

Loving the poison.

How hard is it to love the one thing, the one thing in the world what would surely will make an end to your life eventually.

I know this. She knows it. We know this.

Nothing is as it seems, nothing is easy, nothing will go exactly your way. There are bumps on the many roads you choose and some of them will knock you down.
According to my best friend, Ana is one of those bumps in my life. She's like poison invading my body and slowly killing me from the inside. She's everywhere, in my brains, my blood, my muscles, my organs, my bones.

&I love her.

Yes, there are times where I cry, and where I want everything to stop and to give up. But right now, after a horrible day yesterday, I feel stronger than ever. I am more determined to do this than I have ever been before. Nothing in my life matters except for reaching my goals, and this goal I have right now, is the most important one.
You can only be pretty when you're thin. There can only be perfection as long as you can control yourself. You have to, because what else is there to hold on to?
Friends? Friends always let you down. My friends are the most perfect examples for that, as they have been nothing but horrible to me in the last few years. My best friend who I've known since I was just a little girl, told me I was living in my own world, that she had enough of it. She grabbed her stuff and left.

Easy as that; no regrets.

It made me wonder and think, IF I am living in my own world, why would that be? Simple; because nothing here can hurt me. No one can cause any harm except for myself. My "best friend" can't let me down any more, can't gossip about my fat ass behind my back any more, there is nothing she can do to hurt me.
She's out of my life, and definitely out of my little world.
My little world is pulling me down,, I am standing on the top of a cliff, waiting to fall down eventually. To jump into the nothingness that is waiting for me, calling my name once in a while as it is aching to lock me in its arms.
It doesn't know that I am already bound, that I am already bound to something way bigger, but so frail at the same time. Still, her pull, Ana her pull on me is something that will get me through anything. The poison she is, running through my veins is the thing that keeps me going on and on, I will go on till the end..

one day I will jump off the cliff and land on my feet.


  1. Heyy, thks for following my blog :) You write the essence of Ana so perfectly, isn't it awful knowing that she will be end the of you yet loving her all the same? I drift from love to hate...but that new determination after a bad day, it always helps to make us stronger. Take care x

  2. Sometimes, your own world is the safest place you can be, as depressing as that may sound to some. But I totally understand- even when we can't be happy, at least this can help us to hold on...
    Glad to hear you're pressing on :)