Tuesday, 21 January 2014

For some reason I am never able to let go of this now am I?

All I want to be is happy and truth be told, I don't remember how to be happy. I don't remember feeling genuinly happy. When I try to think of when I was happiest was when I had hit rock bottom. I was happiest destroying myself and doing whatever the hell I wanted to.

That's so messed up now isn't it?

I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't even have this blog. I was supposed to delete this in like what, 2010/2011? The last time I went into therapy. Earlier this year I nearly got back into therapy but I managed to somehow get out of it. Don't know how that happened, but it did happen.

Perhaps the stress of the exams is doing this to me, perhaps it's the loneliness now everyone around me has suddenly grown up, graduating from uni and moving out while I am stuck here up North because I spent the first year of uni starving myself and sleeping.

I admit that I miss blogging, I miss writing down my thougths and not being judged in any way possible. I miss the connection I had with all of you lot, we had a common goal and a common enemy and that gave me a feeling of belonging somewhere. Right now all I feel is lost, stressed and the awful urge to burn my journalism books and just quite uni again.

On a different note I still haven't gained much weight. Perhaps it's because I forgot how to enjoy food or because my bycicle got stolen and I have to walk everywhere. I don't know.

My roommates are upstairs enoying a night of alcohol, fun and games while I have been digging through old blogposts and laughing at how young and silly I used to be. I had so many 'issues' that, when I look back at those now, make me giggle.

Perhaps I am going to use this blog again, I don't know if I am going to use it for the reasons that I have previously used it though. Maybe perhaps, just every once in a while to rant and to sneakily check up on some old friends of mine.

Ana has never left me, but I think we're friends now. She understands that I need to be alone with my thoughts and I know that if I gain as much as a kilo that I have to get rid of it one way or another to stay at a stable underweight, but healthier weight than before. Does that even make sense?

I don't want to be a fat cow again, but I no longer want to starve myself every single second of the day and pour boiling water over my fat legs after I have eaten a cookie. And after all, I finally have my breasts back, it took me three years of yoyoing but I have finally got my boobs back and I kind of missed them, and the pretty bras that come with having boobs.

Alrigh should get back to studying. Yawn.

Bye blog, thank you for listening to my boring rant.


  1. Hello Dollface! I just sent you a friend request on facebook, I made a new account a while back. Miss talkin to you!

  2. Send you a message! So good to be able to talk to you again!! X