Monday, 3 September 2012

Up North

SO. I have been MIA for the last couple of days since I have just recently moved up north because today I have my first day back at UNI!
i am very excited, nervous and obviously starving. I know I have to eat something in a bit though, don't want other people to figure out that I am not eating any single thing at this moment. Especially because people already assumed I had an ED before I even sat my fat ass down on my seat.
It's not that I am skinny, or that I am beautiful or anything like that. It is because I said I had "issues" with eating McDonalds for breakfast.

Okay since I have to get going I will quickly copy parts of an email I sent earlier today. Way easier to keep you lot updated for now!
Will be back soon to inform you how things are going.


So. Here we go. Long mail of what's been going on and why I have decided to give up on everything I fought for the last two years of my life.
Are you ready for this? Gosh it's gonna be so incredibly boring.

SO. In January I quit law school. Something I have wanted ALL my life and in five minutes I had decided that I did not even like it. Three hours later I stormed into the kitchen at my parents place, all in tears because I had given up on the one thing I had always wanted. The one thing I had thought I had always needed and it was the biggest disappointment in my life. Sooooo.. I moved back to my parents house, started working full time at my job in the supermarket (OHTHEJOY) and just tried to forget that I had failed. For the first time in my life I had honestly FAILED. I don't do failure, I have never failed at anything in my life before except for the thing that I had always wanted to do since I was a little kid.
Yeah. That ached for a while but I managed to push it back to the back of my mind and I actually enjoyed my life for a while. There were no worries, lots of laughter with my friends, too much tequila and of course you had M. who had decided that University wasn't his thing last year December. Now I will come back on the M.-thing later, lets first continue with my boring life.

I enjoyed my 7 months without having ANY care in the world more than I should have. Sure it's okay to party but I just had no limits at some points, which have both resulted in hilarious and horrible situations that have actually made this summer the best summer I've had in years. Of course this could not really last long because three weeks ago my sis left for the USA. Which is great for her obviously, she has a scholarship to play Softball in Jacksonville which is absolutely fantastic, I am so incredibly proud of her. It's such an honor to be able to play Softball in the states and she is having the time of her life, which makes me SO incredibly happy. 
BUT. I have to miss my sister, for a whole year. My twin sister who I haven't ever had to miss like this before. It is surreal knowing that she won't be here until Christmas, and after just a short 12 days she will leave again. I mean, how am I supposed to celebrate my birthday ALL BY MYSELF? I don't really like that idea. I am not used to it. It sort of terrifies me to know that all the attention will be focused on me. I don't like attention, I don't like to be centre stage. Lynn does and that's absolutely great, but unfortunately she won't be of any bloody use in the states.

My parents are separated for the moment. I am not sure if they are going to get a divorce or not, I am not sure if they even LOVE each other anymore. My parents don't even know that.. They've been fighting and arguing for months now, yelling at each other, screaming. Crying. I really did not have any place to hide so I just sat there, smoking cigarettes and trying to block them out. Trying to pretend that nothing was wrong but at some point you can't pretend anymore. So I faced it head on and it completely broke me. I am heartbroken and lost. I am so lost. I don't know what I want anymore, what I need anymore. I am stuck in Limbo and I am trying to find a way out. I blame myself for my parents fighting, I know that it's complete BULLSHIT but I do. I blame myself because I haven't exactly made things easy for the both of them by just doing whatever the hell I wanted for seven months long. I did not know what to do with myself anymore, I hated myself and I just crawled back to the one thing that I know. That I am familiar with, that comforts me which is my ED. 

Which is surprisingly ironic because last year I forced myself to quit Law school because I also crawled back to my ED and I was scared, I was afraid it would ruin everything. I was afraid that I would not make it if I had my ED and now I am sitting here, obviously sobbing as I am writing this email, not knowing if I can't make it without my ED. It's such a huge part of my life, it's the biggest, saddest, fragile, broken part of me and it's all I want for now. I want to be stronger, I want to be thinner, more beautiful. Now when I was in therapy I still wanted these things but there was something holding me back. Common sense
I know that living with an ED is not the easy way out, it might seem like it but it's not. It's a long rough road back to recovery if I ever wanted that and I know that by giving in I will eventually ruin things again for myself. Eventually I will go back to the extremes that terrified me two years ago.. But what if I can just try my best not to go there? Lose weight, be as comfortable with myself as possible, as happy as possible in the meanwhile? 
I don't even know if this makes sense, but it seems like the best thing to do. I am running away from my problems. I know, I run away from everything that terrifies me but that's who I am. I used to face conflicts head on and that did not work out. 
So yeah. I am back on the whole starvation puking thing. 

Now. M. Of course, the juicy bit in this boring email. Well, what to tell? He has somehow found a way to use my vulnerability to his advantage. Problem is he doesn't realize that he's hurting me. He does not know how I feel or how things are, the does not realize that I can't be fixed. As soon as therapy finished he thought I was the strong, bubbly girl again, the one I always pretended to be... The fool.
He somehow found a way to convince me that we could not be together, but at the same time he pretended we were? It is kind of confusing. Lets say, we were boy/girlfriend when no one was around. First it started with innocent flirting, the cuddles the laughter. The fun things honestly, after that he would come at night to watch a movie, we would wait until my parents were asleep and we would have mind blowing sex. He made me feel comfortable with my body, he made me feel relaxed and beautiful. Yet every single time I asked him why we could not simply be in a relationship again since we were pretty much exclusive he told me he was afraid that things would go horribly wrong again. He is so scared to lose me that he does not want to try the relationship thing again because when it all goes wrong, we can't simply go back to being the best friends we always were. We barely managed the last time we broke up. 
My friends kept telling me to stay away from him, to just get on with my life because if he does not want me to be his girlfriend again, why commit to him?
So I started to fool around with other guys, mainly to get over him and to make him jealous. He was jealous, sure. He hated the fact that other guys were interested in me and that I pretended to be interested in them. Fact is, I am not over him. I don't think I will ever get over this guy. So that plan backfired. Big time.
I am still not sure what to do with the situation, but now I have moved to the other side of this small country maybe this will clear things up for the two of us. We won't be able to spend every single second of our spare time with each other which I think will be a good thing. If I want to get over this guy, this is what I need. No texts, no contact which is so much easier when you don't have to see or speak to each other.

This is also the reason why I decided to move back up north, back to my old place. Back to University. Of course my parents wanted this as well which is a big plus since I get to avoid M, get a degree and please my parents at the same time. I major in English now, way more fun! I am the hearts and flowers kind of girl who loves snuggling up on the couch with an old dusty book. This surely will help me to get through these four years. :):)

Speaking of UNI, I have to run!
My first day starts in two hours so I better get my ass out of these PJS and to uni before I miss out on my first classes of the year.

Hopefully you will I don't know, sort of know what's going on in my life at this point.




1 comment:

  1. Your story totally resonates with me except that I didn't leave law, I left pre-medicine. It was the most liberating experience ever when I finally decided not to be a doctor anymore, even though it was something I've always wanted to do since psshh 5 years of age. What did I do after leaving? I finally had FUN! yes!

    I also dabbled in other majors and found my love in anthropology but there was something missing still. It was difficult for me to pinpoint as I was exploring different outlets in academia. Then it hit me a year later...I actually began missing my science classes. Nerd at heart I guess? Yes, I love anthropology but there is just something about biology and chemistry that's just thrilling. Needless to say, I became pre-med again and I feel complete somehow. The reason why I dropped it to begin with (I now realize, 3 years belatedly) was out of fear. I was scared that I'd eff up my grades, my life and thoroughly disappoint the parents. I'm still scared..even now as I am applying to medical school. I just want to be an outrageously good doctor so I'm working on becoming a better person too. I feel more (dare I say it?)...happy. I hope your new major brings you the same appeal as both medicine and anthropology did for me.

    As for the boy situation...gahh! been there done that, I totally know what you're going through (hmm i could be lying but I think I understand what you're going through). I had to cut him out entirely. He was just poison in my life and I was probably the same for him but I told him from the beginning that we weren't for each other but he insisted and wanted to play with fire. Well, dude got burned..both of us did, in retrospect. He was one of the biggest regrets in my life. Today, we live thousands of miles away from each other since graduation so I pray we never have to see each other in the near or distant future. Like you, the boy and I were really comfortable friends but he wanted more and I was bored so I was like "why not?" (being the vapid creature I once was). Ahh! if I could tell the Abby of yesterday what I know now, I'd tell that fool to RUN! I hope you find your peace with your guy or at least some closure so you can move on without a glance backwards at what you had or what you think you might have had.