Friday, 6 May 2011

Therapy is not working. I am depressed, seriously depressed.
It's over with the boyfriend as well.. He said that he couldn't handle my panic attacks and moodswings anymore and at the point I totally agreed with him and said that he made my recovery so much harder and that I had to choose for myself..

Yet I've been crying non stop for the past couple of days. My friends don't know what to do with me anymore. Mum calls me a downwards negative spiral who pushes all the luck and happiness out of her life and I am scared that she's right and that I'll never be happy again.
On Thursday I will see my sixth therapist in three months, the last resort to help me. After that I'll be placed into a clinic.
Heard of her though, she's a complete idiot. I'll totally lie to her and she'll tell my parents that I am healthy and can go to uni.

I just want to let you guys know that.. I'm back.
I am not even gonna try anymore or bother trying, it's not working. I am not happy, I am in need of prozac, or tequila but neither is going to get near me for the upcoming couple of weeks.
My exams start, and IF I pass those I can finally start over.
Get away out of this house full of negativity and abuse, full of perfect siblings.. Then I can get away from my big brother's best friend who I thought loved me, who I thought would be there for me but is now texting with one of my mates..

I am so, so, lonely. I am so lonely you can't even imagine. I don't know how to contact anyone who's showed me they cared over the past couple of months because I've acted like a total bitch and I've pushed these people away from me. I am a total fat horrid cow.

Had my first fast in months today. 18 hours. Not that long but it felt so good, I felt so powerful and strong after all those time. I have finished my last fattening meds as well and all the liquids in my body should get the fuck out.
I am seriously, liquids, GET THE FUCK OUT.

I'm fat, I am a failure, I have no friends, I am forever alone, but i am back. For good. And nothing's gonna stop me now from being happy.

That said, I am off to bed, Driving lesson in the morning. It's gonna suck anyways but hey.. better get some rest.
Love, x


  1. Sorry to hear this, but things always have to get worse before they getter better. Hang in there.

    / Avy

  2. woman. I love you. be strong, youll be okay. you have me =]

  3. how are you? it's been a while. I hope everything is better than since his post

  4. Laugh. That is what helps me. Find something funny, I recommend the websites FMyLife and CollegeHumor. Also, dont give up on ana. We wont you back, but we dont want an unhappy person. Let ana's beauty help you with that.

    Control is THIN. xoxoxoxoxo