Friday, 6 May 2011
Therapy is not working. I am depressed, seriously depressed.
It's over with the boyfriend as well.. He said that he couldn't handle my panic attacks and moodswings anymore and at the point I totally agreed with him and said that he made my recovery so much harder and that I had to choose for myself..
Yet I've been crying non stop for the past couple of days. My friends don't know what to do with me anymore. Mum calls me a downwards negative spiral who pushes all the luck and happiness out of her life and I am scared that she's right and that I'll never be happy again.
On Thursday I will see my sixth therapist in three months, the last resort to help me. After that I'll be placed into a clinic.
Heard of her though, she's a complete idiot. I'll totally lie to her and she'll tell my parents that I am healthy and can go to uni.
I just want to let you guys know that.. I'm back.
I am not even gonna try anymore or bother trying, it's not working. I am not happy, I am in need of prozac, or tequila but neither is going to get near me for the upcoming couple of weeks.
My exams start, and IF I pass those I can finally start over.
Get away out of this house full of negativity and abuse, full of perfect siblings.. Then I can get away from my big brother's best friend who I thought loved me, who I thought would be there for me but is now texting with one of my mates..
I am so, so, lonely. I am so lonely you can't even imagine. I don't know how to contact anyone who's showed me they cared over the past couple of months because I've acted like a total bitch and I've pushed these people away from me. I am a total fat horrid cow.
Had my first fast in months today. 18 hours. Not that long but it felt so good, I felt so powerful and strong after all those time. I have finished my last fattening meds as well and all the liquids in my body should get the fuck out.
I am seriously, liquids, GET THE FUCK OUT.
I'm fat, I am a failure, I have no friends, I am forever alone, but i am back. For good. And nothing's gonna stop me now from being happy.
That said, I am off to bed, Driving lesson in the morning. It's gonna suck anyways but hey.. better get some rest.