Monday, 23 August 2010
We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves. - Buddha.
I am finally sitting down to write for myself, I have been keeping up with my favorite blogs at times when I could sit down and take a breath. The last couple of days have been hectic and at the same time incredibly exciting and fun; even though my days mostly consisted of work and partying; I managed to lose two kilograms in only a few days.
Though, I am aware of the fact that the faster I lose the weight, how faster there is a risk it will come back on so I am now only eating whenever I feel like fainting. My mother is noticing things and she is checking up on me every once in a while with some food.
Food I resist, or food which I'll throw away as soon as she has left the room, there is no way that she is going to make me stuff food down my throat again.
On both Thursday and Saturday I have been partying with colleagues. Wearing way too high heels, drinking tequila and flirting with boys...
When the sun started to rise at six, I was with a guy from work and his friends. We were all drunk, kicked out of the pub because we were the only few people left and they wanted to go home, and the guys decided that a 'bootie check' was in order.
A guy, which I'll call M. started feeling me up like I was some sort of stripper which made me feel so uncomfortable that I decided to sat down next to my colleague, who thought it would be funny to feel my ass up as well. Now honestly, I am not one of the girls who usually let guys get away with those kind of things, but at that moment I could not care less when they told me how skinny I was. How they thought that I had the smallest ass they'd seen all night.
It made my weekend.
My whole Thursday night had consisted of drama after talking to the ex-boyfriend, crying in front of him. I even told him that I was insecure because his new girlfriend looks like some sort of bleeping model. We had a good talk and things are okay now, I even made out the same night with the colleague I mentioned earlier. He decided to make sure I'd get home safely and kissed me.
Being the emotional whore I am I immediately gave in and kissed back, feeling flattered even though we both knew that it didn't mean that much. We were both two lonely people who thought the other looked quite cute.
Buddha once said that we are shaped by our thoughts, that we become what we think. I can't help it but I definitely agree with him. Isn't it that an eating disorder starts with looking in the mirror and wondering if you are fat? After a few times you have already convinced yourself that you are fat, and when you look in the mirror you start to feel the disgust. It is a slow process at first, but the first day that you are fasting gives you a kick. The hunger is giving you a rush, you feel amazing because you know that you are stronger than your friends who are stuffing themselves with chocolate bars.
You know that whatever touches their lips will eventually get on their hips. The numbers will drop like magic, all down low.
I am a control freak, and it feels amazing to have enough strength, to have the power to resist. The power to see the numbers drop. To embrace the hunger as if it is a life saver.
After a while, I started to feel comfortable feeling hungry, and weak all the time. I had gotten used to it and it satisfied the thoughts in my head which kept telling me how fat I really was. How big my ass still is, how thin my legs could actually be.
I dream of being thinner than anyone else, I dream of jealous friends because they were not able to fast for a couple of days. Is this pathetic?
It's so clear for me how this has gotten from "the most important thing in my life" to an "obsession".
Everything I do, say, think or write has something to do with calories, losing weight or how much fat people disgust me. How gorgeous the girl with the ribs is, things like that. The only times this weekend where I had actually stopped thinking about fat was when I arrived at my best friend her place a few hours ago. Her grandmother has passed away last Saturday, and she could use a friend. So I rushed towards her as soon as she got home from her family and gave her the hug she needed, than we talked and talked for two hours straight. Tomorrow we're going to the cinema to distract her from everything.
Ah well, I should possibly go to sleep now. I got home at six in the morning from clubbing last night, and I am absolutely knackered and #teamhangover.
Alcohol is so much fun after fasting for a couple of days. Oh the joy. The calories have been danced and jumped off, after two tequila shots the alcohol has already fucked me up so yeah.. i'll be fine. :)
p.s. May my friend her nana rest in peace. X