Friday, 30 April 2010
Queensnight, sort of.
Usually I would use this little space to mention something, something that's been on my mind for a couple of days.
Today I will simply use it to you know, I want to thank xoxoNikkioxox so much, because reading the feedback she gave about my blog, just made my day.
Please do check out her blog and her site if you have any time, it is worth it.
; Now, back to business.
Here in the Netherlands, we have this special holiday in honor of the Queen, we call it 'Queensnight'and 'Queensday'.
Queensnight is for the teens, drinking and going out until late, lots of special performances of artists and stars, practically it's one big festival all over the country.
Who better than to celebrate this holiday with, than my boyfriend? The one who usually makes me smile.
I thought I was going to have an awesome night, even though the last few days have been horribly hard on me. He seems forgetting that I actually live, breathe and have feelings, though at the same time he was always there.
Now believe me, I don't mind getting attention from someone like my boyfriend, he's sweet, gentle, an optimist...
But lately he has been quite grumpy, unpredictable which annoys me, and I simply have the feeling that we don't know each other as well as we think we do.
It's not that I am not in love with him, it's just that I've never noticed a few things that really do bother me.
Last night we spend our first night together, which was well I think it went okay, until a certain point in the early morning.
Now you have to know, that my boyfriend is véry old fashioned and polite, he would never ever do something if that wouldn't be "right".
We were simply making out, when he suddenly pushed me away, all angry. I had no clue what I had done wrong, and at that point; it didn't even matter.
It was after the big festival, I was content. I only consumed one apple all day, my fake ID had gotten me into one of the coolest places in town,
my friends were there, my boyfriend was there and of course, we had both gotten a bit tipsy. I hadn't even thought of the fact of having sex already, of course I haven't been completely innocent in the time we've been dating,
bút, when he pushed me away, telling me that he didn't want me.
For the first time in my life I had never been more convinced of a truth, why would he want me in the first place?
I am a big, huge, fat monster with a horrible ass and mono, I am the girl who never gets to do anything she wánts to do,I am boring, useless. Why would he want me when there is nothing beautiful in any of my features.
When I woke up this morning, he apologized, telling me that it was him, not me. That he thought of the age difference,
that he wanted to do it a ríght way, not in some friend his bed, not when we were both slightly tipsy.
This did not comfort me. Actually, this just motivated me.
Somewhere, deep inside, he must know that in a while I'll be perfect, attractive, thin.
Only ate four grapes and about a dozen strawberries all day... Which would be about 45 kcal for today; and I feel great.
Drank water and cycled home which took me about 30 minutes of intense cycling, bloody wind. Hopefully this burned some kcal, hopefully this will make me lose some weight...The fact that my boyfriend is well, honestly, being a bit of an ass the last few days, is just more thinspiration to go on.
Now I better get to bed before I will suddenly walk to the cupboard and binge.
Don't forget the words Mark Twain said: "Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
How can one be desired when there is no beauty, when can someone be irresistible when there are so many flaws?
Today; I honestly do believe that we ALL are going to get through this. As long as we believe, as long as we thínk. Nothing is going to stop us now.