Wednesday, 26 May 2010


Please, please, please, help me.

I have no clue what's going on lately, I can't think straight. I am always crying and over-emotional. I am gaining weight at the speed of fucking light, I am turning back into a fat cow. I don't want this. All I want is to be thin, what's happening to me?
I am eating less and less but it doesn't even seem to matter, I am GAINING WEIGHT.

I am probably not passing my schoolyear either. So that means I am longer stuck in this house, forced to stuff dinner through my mouth every night. I am not even hungry anymore, I am just desperate. Desperate to find a way to get rid of this fat. I work out everyday now, I hate working out. My work is horrible enough already without having to work out after that, but now it's just every single spare time of the day, and it doesn't even matter.

This is the only thing I want, I so desperately want, I will do anything, anything to get thin again. This is literally killing me, breaking me up and ripping me into small pieces. I am so jeaous and so happy for all of you who do manage to lose weight, I just feel horrible while realizing that I am trying just as hard, but nothing seems to work.
Guess I am simply meant to be a fat cow for the rest of my life, not one success. Not one.
I need help, I know I do. I need someone to get me out of this horrible depression, someone who will help me pass this year, someone who will help me to get out of this house.

My parents are the worst of all things what's happening to me. They keep tearing me down, they keep hurting me, they break me into tiny pieces which I can't glue back together. I can't anymore, it's too screwed up right now.
They're telling me that my boyfriend will break up because I am a big fat failure, and they're so right. He should, he can get ten other girls in just a blink of an eye. I am hurting him, pushing him away...

I am too busy with focussing on my schoolwork right now to get my pills, but I need to get rid of this weight.. I need to get rid of this weight. I am fat.

Oh, my friends ignored me today.
Thanks for making me feel even more worthless, it's not that I am not handling things perfectly okay. I am not crying, hyperventilating or anything. Noooo i am not. It's not that I want to grab a knife and cut off all the fat on my body. If only it would have been that easy..

Gonna feel sorry for myself now and do some more studying & sit ups.

Much love,


1 comment:

  1. *hugs*
    i'm sorry everything is like that for you right now, and your friends ignoring you. wow thats harsh. i hope they realise what they are missing without you.